First day on the job

I quit my job today.

Actually, I started my new job today, as a stay at home mom.

My boys are 3 (almost 4), and just newly 2 years old. I've struggled through both of their lives with an inner and outer tug of war of whether I was selfishly choosing my career over my children. After the birth of my oldest son Alex it was obvious financially I needed to go back to work. I was a newly trained Nurse Practitioner with a mound of school debt looming over both me and my mechanical engineer husband.

I found the "perfect" job at a college health services which I loved, still love, and had the summers off with my boys. People would say to me "it's so wonderful that you have the summers off, you have the perfect job." And it was true for those three months of the year. About half-way through summer I would become worried and anxious about leaving them again. Every break I would go through a tumultuous time leaving them. And over and over again, the boys had to get used to a new schedule, new caretakers, and very little Mom time.

When working full time, it's not as if we aren't Moms. We are never Not moms. We are expected to peform to our highest mom abilities, to enact our super human powers of getting it all done, every day. And I truly noticed this because my duties did not change from the time I was home over the summer, to the time that I worked 40 hours a week for the rest of the year.

This year I had had enough. My work week schedule was changed without warning by my employer, meaning I would have to find more childcare during the week, something that I couldn't afford, and quite honestly, didn't want to do. Losing more time with my boys, even just half a day, wasn't acceptable.

After long hours of talking with my husband, my family, and co-workers, I've decided to put my career on hold to raise my family.

I know I'm doing the right thing for me and my family in many ways, and I worry that I'm making a mistake in others, like my career. As a woman in this society, living up to expectations is one of the hardest things to overcome. Am I weak if I can't handle a career and a family at the same time? Am I selfish and non-nurturing if I work outside the home and allow other people to assist in raising my children?

So here I am starting my new life as a stay at home mom. I'm excited about being home with my boys, watching them grow, and having the ability to be a key part of that growth. At the same time I'm nervous that I'm not going to be an outstanding enough mother to warrant leaving my career, a career that if away for too long will not be easily re-instated.

I hope to share what I learn through my journey, one day at a time.